


Faith

by demitruli



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Canon, Extra Japril Scenes, F/M, Japriet, Japril, Japril + 1, Missing Scenes, Post 13x02
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-10
Updated: 2016-11-10
Packaged: 2018-08-30 05:35:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8520454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demitruli/pseuds/demitruli
Summary: Extra missing Japril (and Japriet, of course) scenes from Season 13, beginning from 13x02. JPOV. Canon. To be continued...





	1. The So Many Purposes of Throw Pillows

I hesitated as soon as I was standing in front of the door of her temporary room. And it wasn't because she could –and should, after everything she'd been through- be asleep this early in the morning, or because she might have visitors, or even because she might need some privacy. All of those were perfectly good reasons to justify this hesitation of mine, but if I were to be honest with himself, I knew pretty damn well that those didn't even pass my mind. The true reason I was hesitating to open the door? I didn't know how to.

And no, it wasn't locked or anything. The thing didn't even have a lock, just like every other door of every other patient's room in the entire freaking hospital. Like she was just another patient, which just happened to be cut open with a knife on one of the board members' kitchen table. Sigh.

But locked or not locked, how was I supposed to open the goddamn door while holding the huge food tray in one hand and the dozens of bags with her stuff in the other?

Putting the bags down was obviously out of the question as there was no way I could possibly take them all in my hand again. And let's not even talk about the tray. So I decided, for better or worse, to work my magic. While lifting the tray as high as possible to get that out of the way, I twitched and used my elbow to reach the handle, and then I proceeded to push down on it, slightly opening the door. Satisfied, I used my foot to open it even wider and took a step forward. Everything seemed to work out perfectly.

That was, up until one of the freaking bags got caught on the handle.

As I was clearly not prepared for such resistance, I had little time to react as the sudden loss of my balance caused the water bottle I had neatly placed on the tray –and thankfully only that- to slip and land right on top of my head, and then fall on the floor with a large bump.

Well, if there was even the slightest chance she'd be asleep before, there wasn't now. But as I lifted my eyes off the fallen bottle, my face twisted in what I was sure was an extensive wince, I was relieved to find that she had already been awake. What I was not relieved to find, however, was her ridiculously amused expression, accompanied with fresh fits of laughter emerging from her throat.

"Don't." I groaned as I released the caught bag from the handle and walked up to her bed.

She bit on her lower lip but the giggles somehow continued nonetheless. "Good morning." She managed to choke out, and there was apparently something extra amusing in those two words of hers that lead to round of pure hysterics from her part.

The little skunk was laughing at me.

I let the stupid bags slip from my hand and pulled the chair next to her bed forward to sit on. "Quit with the laughing, alright? It actually hurt." I stated. "I could get a concussion or something."

She rolled her eyes. "Oh, don't worry. There's no way anything could break that big head of yours."

I shook my head at her. "And here I was being all thoughtful and got you some nice cafeteria breakfast. I guess I'll keep it to myself after all."

A wave of satisfaction washed over me at the view of her widening eyes. "What?"

"Well, Grey told me your diet wouldn't affect the healing process in any way, so I thought you'd appreciate some actual food instead of that crap we give patients." I explained with a shrug of disdain, although I knew pretty darn well that there was nothing indifferent about this for me. It had taken me forever to decide on what I would get for her, knowing what she would like but also what could possibly harm her. Not that I would ever let anybody know about that. Her of all people.

But despite my remarkable attempts to seem aloof, I still couldn't help but be amazed by the way that joy –pure joy- filled her eyes at my words. The way her lips lifted upward. The way her dimples crinkled. The way her teeth were perfectly aligned. The warm glow her happiness gave. Her smile was a ray of sunshine, and I was freaking sunburned. Again.

How was this even possible? The last couple of weeks before the divorce just the sight of her had been enough to make me want to leave the room. Every time she would reach to touch my hand I had felt like the contact was physically painful. As if her fingers were burning my skin, and I had to pull away immediately. But after the divorce… and especially after I found out about Harriet… It was like a switch flipped. My hands seemed like they had a mind of their own, constantly craving the feeling of her warm skin against them without my mind's permission.

I used to be able to control them, completely in the beginning, and from some point on at least before they actually made contact with her skin. But every last shred of control I might have had was completely gone after that night… The night I almost lost them both… lost her…

I suddenly became aware of the dangerous and strictly forbidden path I had unwillingly allowed my mind to take and mentally slapped myself. At least I hoped it was mentally but the intensity made it so vivid that I had some doubts.

Ugh, I was doing it again. Goddamn it, those thoughts had to go away. What the hell was wrong with me? Why was I allowing this? Okay, allowing was certainly not the proper word, but why wasn't I preventing it?

And why was I having those thoughts in the first place? I knew what I was doing when I divorced her. I knew that even though I loved her- and probably always would- fixing us wouldn't work out after all. I knew there were things that we couldn't repair. It wasn't like I had taken any of that lightly, I had seriously thought everything through for what seemed like a million times. Given all those, I had been certain that the divorce was the only right path for us to follow.

So why did it feel so bad?

We had based our entire relationship on what felt good. We had both been certain that when something felt too good, it couldn't be bad. But we had both grown since then. We had been through so much, together and apart. We had had to learn things the hard way. And I was pretty darn sure that she had also realized by now how truly wrong that statement was.

Something that felt really, really good, could actually turn out to be horribly bad. That much I knew.

But when something felt horribly, horribly bad… how could it actually be good?

"This is for me?" she asked then, pulling me out of my thoughts –and thank god for that. I nodded and she all but squealed as she lifted both her arms up for me to put the food tray in.

"Wait." I said and turned round to grab one of the throw pillows that were laying on the lounge chair behind me. "Where does it hurt?" I asked then, and she lowered her hands to point at a spot a bit lower than her belly button. I nodded once again and gently placed the pillow on her lap, careful for it not to make contact with her sore skin. She was already sitting up the whole time, so I simply proceeded to place the food try on top of the pillow and sit back on my chair.

She looked up at me then, smirking. "See? I told you throw pillows had many purposes."

I huffed. "Don't be a smartass with me, I shouldn't even have handled you the food after you laughed at my face."

She shook her head. "You're such a cow sometimes."

A cow?

Last time I checked I was the pig.

I frowned. "What are you even talking about?"

"Making a whole bucket of milk and then-" she slapped the air "-Boom! Kicking it and spilling it all over the dirt!"

…Was that supposed to make any sense?

I gaped at her. "Are you sure Ben didn't drop you off that kitchen table head first?"

"Shut up." She murmured and I caught a glimpse of her grin before it disappeared behind the unison of her pressed together palms and tangled fingers, as she leaned forward to send out her standard prayer. I stayed silent, and begun mentally counting to twenty. She was done before I even reached fourteen. Man, that was quick. She must have really been hungry today. Or just excited to put some actual edible food in her system after two whole weeks. Whichever it was, she immediately grabbed the plastic fork and attacked the sausages with all the force of a great typhoon. I had been reluctant about getting her those sausages at first, but I knew she would love them and they were boiled anyways so they couldn't be that bad…

And that was when her eyes rolled back in her skull and she moaned.

Literally. She freaking moaned.

And my mind went completely blank for a split second.

"Oh, God…" she sighed.

I gulped.

"This is so good…" Another moan.

Fuck.

"I missed this so much…"

Oh, no. No. I knew what was next.

She bit her lip and let out a long, loud groan.

And my pants tightened.

Fuck, fuck, FUCK.

I almost heard the click my mind made as it finally begun functioning again, and I suddenly realized I had been gawking like an idiot. I quickly shut my hanging mouth, thankful her eyes had been closed the entire time, and grabbed one pillow from behind me, throwing it on my croach and holding on to it like my life depended on it. Not the most natural pose, but whatever. As long as everything was nice and hidden…

And look at that. Another purpose for the stupid pillows. I thought I might just reconsider my view on them after this. Might.

She opened her eyes right on time, and they came searching for mine. It actually felt weird, I realized. She had been avoiding eye contact for so long. Mainly since the divorce. That had been the last time she had actually searched for my eyes. When she'd asked me if I really wanted this. And I had. At least I thought I had, but I still couldn't bring myself to look in those warm hazel eyes that sparkled with hope and say it out loud. A man can only take so much.

The day after the divorce she had looked in my eyes again. But it just felt so off. So forced. Everything had changed. Her body was stiff, her movements measured, her words carefully chosen. Like I was a stranger. And maybe that's what she had chosen to see me as. It must have been easier for her that way. And for me too, I guess. Although I definitely had not prepared myself for the pain that it caused. Throbs in my guts, deep and warm, but not in a nice way. It felt like someone had their hand in there and were squeezing my organs first gently and then as hard as they could. Was it supposed to hurt like this, when I was the one that had made the decision in the first place? After everything she'd done, after all the ways she'd hurt me? She had physically abandoned me, for fuck's sake! So why did it hurt so much to let her go? I had no idea. All I knew was that it did.

And so I was the one avoiding eye contact after that. And then so was she. And with both of us avoiding each other's eyes for so long, it felt so weird to finally meet them when we had to, after that night at the parking lot.

We've had lots of time to get used to it after that, with the ultrasound and stuff. But still, when she searched for my gaze just now, I felt my heart fasten its beat, bumping like crazy inside my chest. Should her eyes have this effect on me? Definitely not. They did though, and if I were being honest to myself, I knew that the lack of eye contact the past months could barely be considered a reason to justify this. But knowing didn't mean accepting. And I was not going to accept such reactions from my part. I was stronger than this.

Wasn't I?

"Thank you." She said, the words dripping honey as they slid through her soft pink lips that reminded me of a rose bud. The later curved to form another one of those smiles of hers that brought back a million memories in a split second.

Oh, who was I fooling? I was weaker than spaghetti noodles!

Speaking of noodles, when was the last time I'd had Chinese food? I should order some later that night.

I cleared my throat. "You're welcome."

I simply watched her eat for a while after that, and then when she was done I was finally confident enough to put the pillow aside and get up to take the food tray from her and place it on the coffee table at the corner.

It wasn't long after that when both our heads shot towards the door as we heard the sound of wheels rolling. Soon, Karev's silhouette appeared from the corner, pushing towards us the bassinet in which was laying the sunniest of sunrays folded in a stack of white baby blankets. "Here's our girl!" I exclaimed happily. I hadn't seen her since last night when they took her to the NICU, but it felt like forever. No matter how much time I got to spend with her, I still couldn't get enough of that little nugget.

"Hi sweetie! Gimme, gimme, gimme!" April squealed while raising her hands in the air like a five year old again. Okay now, can you blame me for finding that adorable?

Karev handed her the baby. "Harriet is gaining weight right on schedule. She's healthy and fat."

Of course she was gaining weight. Her mouth was almost constantly attached to April's breast. She was eating so much you'd think she'd burst any minute now. "Fat baby." I said proudly.

"Fat baby." Karev repeated, offering him a fist bump. "And healthy enough to go home today." He added.

I blinked. "Yeah?"

The peds surgeon nodded.

Holy crap.

Holy crap.

We were taking our baby home! We'd get to actually play with her and change her diapers and bathe her and put her to sleep and-

Wait. Not really. We wouldn't. Not together. I gave myself another mental-non-mental slap. Maybe she'd let me drive them home, but that's it. I would get to do all those eventually, of course, but for now I should just let Harriet adjust to her new environment with her mother… and I couldn't just take her away, she was still breastfeeding and stuff. So… no baby time for me. I sighed.

"Are you sure she's ready?" April asked, and from the tone of her voice I knew there was a long round of rambling coming up. "What about her respirations? I thought I saw-"

"Kepner, you can take your kid home." Karev cut her off, just when his pager begun peeping.

I looked at her and her face was close to desperate. I frowned. What did she have to be upset about? I was the one that was going to not see enough of their own child for god knows how long!

"Look, I got to go…" Alex said then, and it hit me.

Shit. I completely forgot about the DeLuca thing. "Oh, that's today." I mumbled. What a crappy friend I was.

He took a deep breath. "Congrats on the fat baby!" he exclaimed with a forced smile.

"Okay, yeah, thanks." I said as he walked away. I turned to look at April, only to meet the same expression of desperation she had before. "Why the face? It's a good thing." For you, at least.

"Not for me."

What the hell? "What do you mean?"

She licked her lips. "My incision opened back up. They want to do wound therapy…"

Wait.

What?

Why was I not informed of this? What the hell, I was the freaking head of the board and they just failed to inform me that my own wife's wounds reopened?

…Ex-wife, goddamn it! EX-wife!

I sighed in frustration. I had some serous talking to do with some people here. And myself, of course. Mainly with myself.

"Harriet is going home..." April continued, and bit her lip. "But I'm not." She added, her voice breaking.

And if she wasn't going home… that meant I was taking Harriet with me. At my place. To play with her and change her diapers and bathe her and put her to sleep. On my own.

Crap. I'm screwed.

And not only that, but she would be away from her mom… and April would become depressed… and what on earth was I supposed to feed her now?!

This was a disaster. A complete and utter disaster. I had to fix this. Crap, crap, crap.

April began sniffing, her expression dedicating she was really, really close to crying.

Crap!

Do something, you moron! Say something!

"Hey, it's all gonna be okay…"

She sobbed. "How? She's gonna be away from me! I'll never be able to see her now!" Another sob.

I realized my hand was rubbing her knee without my mind's permission, but I left it to it. It was a friendly and comforting gesture. I used to do it all the time when we were friends. Like that time with the boards. She cried a lot back then. "Look, I…" I what? What could I do about it? There were hundreds of babies in need for professional help and care in the NICU, I couldn't possibly ask them to care after my own, perfectly healthy, fat baby. Which would now starve to death because her dad doesn't produce milk and her mom would only let him feed her baby formulas over her dead body.

"I promise I will bring her here every day and let her hang with you all day long, okay?" And hopefully she'll spend all that time attached to your boob cause otherwise she's dead, but let's not mention that just yet.

"But she… you're taking her home. Her first time outside, her first ride in a car, her first diaper change, her first bath… I am going to miss all that!"

And I am going to do them all by myself, try that as an alternative. "I know it sounds bad…" she glared at me. "Okay, it sounds horrible. Like, absolutely, horribly… horrible…" she sobbed again. "But!" I yelled and Harriet whimpered. "…Sorry." I said softer. "But, it's not the end of the world." I continued. Me killing our baby is, but let's not mention this either. "The important thing is that she's healthy, and you're healthy." I added, and she instantly seemed to calm a little bit at my words. I smiled at her. "Come on, repeat that."

She gaped at me.

"I'm serious. Repeating seems to help you a lot. Like back then at the boards, when you kept saying 'I'm a soldier.'" And then you punched a guy… and then you kissed me. But let's just not repeat the latter two.

Or, at least the first one.

Shut up.

"So come on, repeat after me. The important thing is that she's healthy and you're healthy."

She rolled her eyes, but to my surprise she actually did as I said. "The important thing is that she's healthy and I'm healthy."

I smiled at her. "Good. Now can I hold my baby?"

She made a sound really close to a growl. "You're gonna have forever to hold her, I only have until tonight!" she hissed.

"You know that's not really…" I began saying but the glare she shot at me shut me up. "Okay, later then."

To my relief Harriet was soon nursing, and I took advantage of the mother-daughter bonding time to actually work a bit. I did some rounds and filed some paper work- nothing heavy- and when enough time had passed I decided to take a quick trip to my place and pick up some stuff for Harriet's ride home. It was less than a fifteen minute ride and I knew I was being irrational, but I still picked among with the baby car seat a change of clothes, two pacifiers, a bag of diapers and –of course- a first aid kit. Just in case.

When I returned, it was already later afternoon, and soon it would be time for the two of us to get going. And that was something I was definitely not ready for. But it wasn't like I had a choice anyways.

When I entered April's room, I found her holding a deeply asleep baby. Something I was not particularly happy for, because her sleeping now meant there was no way I was getting any sleep later that night. But as far as I knew that was generally the case with newborns, so I just had to come to terms with that fact. "Hey." I whispered.

She looked up at me and gave me a sad smile. "Hey." I walked closer to the bed and placed the car seat on the lounge chair I had been sitting on earlier. I was sure I saw April frowning at it from the corner of my eyes, but it was all gone when I looked at her. "She fell asleep and I didn't want to wake her so I was just holding her the whole time." She admitted with another small smile. I smiled back, and lifted my hands to take my sleeping daughter's tiny form from her arms. Reluctantly, April let me. As gently as I could, I placed her in the car seat, but didn't buckle the seat belt just yet. There was still a really important issue to be solved before we left.

"Can you hand me the breast pump from the self?" She asked me before I had time to ask her what the hell I was going to feed the baby.

I blinked. "The what?"

She stared at me. "The breast pump? It's right there on the self. The nurse sterilized it and brought it back so I can use it one last time before you go. I already prepared more than enough milk for you to take with you, but you know, just in case…"

"Oh. Right. A breast pump." Which was on the self… yep, there it was. And, goodness, that thing looked scary. I walked up to it and took all the parts in my hands, careful not to drop anything, and then I returned to the bed and sat on her left this time.

"Thanks." She mattered and took the little bottle in her hands, placing on top of it some short of flange and then attaching a wire to it that traced back to a white electric part, which I assumed should be plugged and took care of that part myself. And then she began taking her shirt off. And it wasn't like I hadn't seen her feed Harriet a million times already. But this… this was different. There was no baby here, or at least for a couple of meters, and she was taking her shirt off and… I had to get out of there.

I sat up. "So I guess I'll just… leave you to it then." I exclaimed and began walking away.

"Hey, don't go!" she said and I froze in my tracks. "I mean, you can go if you want to, but I really need some help with this and, you know, it's fine if you stay anyways. You watch me breastfeed Harriet all the time, and this will surely take more that fifteen minutes and I've really had no one to talk to all day, and what if she wakes up, you know I can't get up to pick her up and-"

"Whoa, whoa." I said, stopping her rambling. She did that a lot lately, I blamed the hormones. "If you want me to stay, I'll stay. End of story." I said. Even though I really didn't feel like staying, there was no way I was leaving her when she clearly needed me to stay. I sat back down.

And so the shirt came off, revealing that blue bra of hers with the white dots and the little bow in the middle. That surprised me, since I could clearly remember she was wearing a nursing bra before I left. I didn't think much of it, though, since that was when that came off too.

And holy fuck.

She was literally half naked in front of me.

Like, really, she wore nothing from her waist and up. That was not how she usually breastfed Harriet. And Harriet was technically not even there. I gulped.

Thank goodness I closed that door coming in.

Oh, why didn't I leave when I had the chance to? I forced my eyes away from her swollen cleavage and all erect nipples and searched for something to cover myself, for the second time today. What was I, a horny teenager or something? God.

There was the bag with the baby stuff for Harriet on my left. No way I was using that to cover my erection, that was just sick. So I looked on my right and, what do you know! A throw pillow that had somehow fallen on the floor from somewhere. Was this the craziest coincidence or was I the luckiest guy alive? Well, who cares anyways. I grabbed the pillow and threw it on my lap, completely ignoring April's questioning look. All I hoped was that I hadn't completely corrupted the innocent virgin she'd always had in her. But who was I fooling, she would never, and I mean ever, take off her clothes in front of anyone, not even her own mother, without cringing and blushing all over when I'd first met her. She was corrupted alright.

To my relief, though, she didn't seem to care much about the poor throw pillow, or at least, if she did, she didn't show it.

Ah, the throw pillows. Lifesavers. I was never going to question their purpose again.

So April took the weird-looking machine in her hands, then, and took hold of her right breast with one hand to place the flange on top of it with the other, directly over her nipple. "Okay, here's where I need help with. Car you turn that on?" she asked, gesturing with her hand towards the machine.

"How?" there were like a million buttons on that thing.

She snorted. "Push the button that says 'ON'."

I examined the machine. Yeah, there was a big button on the center with the word 'ON' on it.

…Woops?

Well, she surely couldn't expect me to concentrate on anything with her half naked in front of me.

I pushed the freaking button and the machine began making a surprisingly loud sound. I looked at April's breast and there was definitely some sucking going on where her nipple was. It looked so weird.

"Doesn't that hurt or something?" I asked frowning.

She shrugged, a great accomplishment by the way with all those wires attached to her. "Nah. It's really strange. Ticklish even. But it doesn't hurt."

Ticklish?

Yeah, I knew what that felt like.

"Okay, and now I need you to take that other bottle and place it on my other breast like this." She spitted out so quickly I thought I imagined it at first.

But then she was looking at me expectantly, so…

"Wh-what?" I stammered like an idiot.

"I need to hold this with both hands so that it will fit better and no air will come in, otherwise it won't suck correctly and it will take forever. So, I need help with the other one.

I blinked once.

Twice.

She surely couldn't be expecting of me to actually touch her boob, right?

Right?!

"Uh… do you…"

"Just make sure to place it directly on top of the nipple, and squeeze a bit so that air won't come in."

I gulped, for what seemed like the millionth time today. "S-squeeze?"

"Yeah, like this." She said and pressed the flange harder against her breast, while squeezing the later a bit with the other hand.

Was the room spinning or was it just my head?

Okay, stop.

She needed my help, didn't she? She could have called any nurse, but she wanted me to help. And I wouldn't let her down when she needed me. Not for the world.

"Okay." I somehow managed to choke out, and without giving it much thought I grabbed the small bottle and, just like she had earlier, I gently took hold of her left breast and placed the flange on it, centering her nipple.

Ahh.

The softness… the warmth… the smoothness of her skin… It was all just too overwhelming. It drove me insane. And yet, I somehow managed to keep control, to suppress my urge to just drop the freaking machine and lean over to kiss it and lick it and-

My erection, hard as ever, twitched inside my pants, and I felt the throw pillow jump slightly upwards on my lap.

No! Stop this, damn it, it's already hard enough without the visual part!

I clenched my jaw, forcing myself to concentrate, and as softly as I possibly could, I squeezed it just a tiny bit. Immediately, the almost transparent liquid began flowing through the tubes, small drops falling into the bottle. I had to admit that it was sort of mesmerizing, in an odd, twisted way.

I did not dare to actually look, but with the corner of my eye I saw her biting her lip and turning her head towards the sleeping baby. Or away from me, in other words. And with satisfaction I realized that I recognized this reaction.

So, she was not as unaffected by this as she wanted to seem like after all. In fact, the gaze avoidance and the soft but visible color that was creeping up her cheeks and all the way down to her throat expressed the exact opposite. She was affected. A lot. I tried to bite back a smile.

And then the door shut open. "Hey, have you seen-" Karev stopped mid-sentenced and froze his every move as he stared at us blankly. His eyes first met my incessantly blinking ones, then April's widened ones and then they travelled further down to our hands on her breasts.

He shook his head. "I'm not even gonna ask." He mattered, and walked away again, shutting the door behind him.

I turned to look at April, who was now the color of crimson. And once our eyes met, we both burst out to loud fits of laughter. Knowing that we should be quiet not to wake Harriet somehow made the whole situation a hundred times more ridiculous, and we were soon both struggling to breathe.

"You know what this reminds me of?" she asked me when the giggles died out.

"What?"

"That time with the pregnancy scare. When he entered the room as you were taking my blood for the test."

I huffed. "Yeah. Or when he walked in on us in that supply closet." I added and immediately regretted it. How stupid could one person be? What reason would I possibly have to mention the two of us having sex while my hand was literally squeezing her boob?

To my surprise, though, she actually giggled again. "Yeah, he has a thing for walking in on us."

I chuckled, relieved. "He really does."

And so, a long while passed before the bottles were almost full, and her breasts were both dried out. I finally let go of her warmth after what felt like forever, but among with my relief to have this over with, my palm suddenly felt so cold. So empty. I ignored it.

She put her bra and shirt back on and gave me almost a thousand instructions on what to do with Harriet once we got home, from how to sterilize her pacifiers to which onesie to put her in. I promised to take pictures and stuff, and I was buckling her seat belt, all ready to leave, when she began crying. Again.

"Hey." I said softly.

"She's going home without me." She whimpered.

"Yeah. And what did we just say about that?"

She looked up the ceiling, indignant. "The important thing is that she's healthy, and I'm healthy." She repeated.

"Exactly."

She glared at me. "That's crap!"

I took a deep breath. Here we go again…

"She's supposed to be with me! Bonding, and attaching or whatever. Smelling me like birds and dogs."

I frowned. "Birds and dogs?" What was it with all the animals today?

She slapped my hand. "Shut up, it's nature!" she cried and I grinned. My nature freak.

Wait.

Not my nature freak.

"How's she gonna attach to me when she's there and I'm here?" she whined.

I sighed. "You're gonna be discharged soon."

She held up her hands. "And then what? I'm still gonna be in recovery! You know the ins and outs of post-op incisions. I'm not even gonna be able to pick her up with…" she sobbed. "…Without help. I'm gonna have to hire someone to come and take care of her, some mamma bird who smells good and bonds with my baby while I just lie there and watch!" she continued rambling and finally buried her head in her palms.

Good lord. What the hell was I supposed to respond to that?

"You know what, you should just go." She said then with a sniff.

I shook my head. Yeah right I'm leaving her like this. We were laughing minutes ago, I bet I could do that again. "I'm not going anywhere while you're this upset." I stated.

"Well, you have to because I'm not gonna stop!" she cried, and that was when Harriet began fussing a little bit in her sleep. Finally. I seriously thought the baby had died before I even had the chance to exercise my perfect parenting skills on her.

I stretched my hand towards April gesturing her to be quiet while I began shushing Harriet.

It didn't work. "I'm just gonna die of dehydration!" she cried again and buried her face in her hands once more.

"It's gonna be alright, you know." I made a last attempt to calm her before she woke my baby up.

"Get out!" she shouted at my face.

Oh, fine! If she wanted to be like this, then so be it! I grabbed the bag with the baby stuff in my one hand and the car seat in the other and quickly walked out of the room, carrying Harriet's surprisingly still sleeping form.

Oh, this was going to be a long night.


	2. Fulfilling Fantasies

I was generally not one to fantasize about situations. Not because I wasn't fond of it, quite the opposite, actually. I really admired people that were able to just sit back and make entire scenarios up in their heads in the blink of an eye, without even trying. April was good at that. Fantasizing. All kinds of it, if you know what I mean. And yes, that had been a really pleasant thing for me to discover. I used to enjoy this ability of hers quite a lot. Used to being the key word here.

But fantasies had never been my thing. Well, I didn't know if I even had a thing, but it certainly wasn't that. I had always suffered from complete lack of imagination. Even as a kid, even after the hours and hours I used to spend at home all by myself, I had a really hard time making storylines for my favorite toys and figures. And if I ever made up a scenario that could be considered decent, I would recycle it over and over, play it like a thousand times in a row.

And that little piece of me didn't go away growing up. Even though Teletubbies weren't really my thing anymore, I had found a few –very, very few- things in my life as a grown up that I had actually managed make something out of and use them for making little mental scenarios that were somehow so weirdly satisfying to repeat, over and over again.

There was this little scene that I had made up at some point the previous week, for example, which I just couldn't get off my mind. I was supposingly taking Harriet to my place for the first time. I was holding her in my arms, and she was giving me that smile of hers that had me mesmerized to no end. I first put her in her crib, and the moment she saw the baby mobile above her crib with the all the little colorful things hanging from it she fell in love with it. She would watch it spin around for hours, while throwing her tiny arms in the air and making all kinds of little baby sounds. After a while, I would give her a bath, in that baby bathtub I'd got her, and later that night, after I would have fed her and read her a bedtime story, she'd quickly fall asleep with a smile on her face, and I'd head off to the living room and watch the Celtics kick some ass again.

Oh, Boston, city of champions.

But yeah, point is, I had played that scenario in particular so many times in my head it was ridiculous. Of course, this hobby of mine –if you can even call it that- was something only I knew about. (Well, there was in fact this other person that I had shared quite a few of them with, but that's just irrelevant.) And that sort of made them really personal, and really, really precious. And so, you can sure understand that I wouldn't take it very well if somebody where to ruin one of those masterpieces of mine. And who'd have thought that the one to do so would be a tiny little nugget that I had basically created myself. One of the perks of being a father, I guessed.

So there I was, kicking the door shut behind me with my left leg, baby in car seat in my one hand and a thousand of bags in the other that I immediately threw on the ground, as I put the car seat down and unbuckled the seat belt, taking a screaming baby in my arms. "Shh, shh…" I tried to calm her, and bouncing her up and down, I jumped over the dropped bags, over the freaking stairs –whose existence I still failed to understand, like, what genius decided to put stairs in the middle of the living room?- and all but flew towards the nursery. Once I was finally there, I set her down on the closest empty surface I laid my eyes on, which happened to be the changing table.

Okay. Now what?

Well, there was definitely something wrong since she was crying louder than I had ever heard her cry. Fact was, though, that –according to April- she had been eating all day long, up until she'd passed out, minutes before I had arrived to pick her up. There was no way she was hungry again, right? So, according to my extensive knowledge when it came to babies, there was only one thing that could be wrong.

While wincing, I took a deep breath bracing myself for what I was about to come across, and cautiously used my fingers to pull down on the back of her diaper so that I could take a peak on the inside.

Nothing.

The thing was pure, virgin white. Or rather, April white, as I used to call it back then when we were simply roommates at Meredith's house, something she used to hate to no end. Uh, those were the times…

But back to the present, there was a screaming baby in front of me with nothing seemingly wrong, and I had no idea what to do about it.

"Stop crying, baby girl… Shh…" I tried, but of course it did nothing.

I decided to seek the help of the baby mobile, which had turned out to be so effective in my made up story. I picked her up once again, and placed her inside the crib, quickly switching the device on. The colorful hanging stuffed animals and shapes begun twisting around, as a soft light formed shadows of various shapes and sizes on the nursery walls. To accompany those came a soft melody, so sweet as from a music box, and one would think that this display of baby fluffiness would be enough to at least catch her attention.

Yeah, right.

The little stinker was crying so hard she didn't even notice the freaking show I had put up for her.

Perfect. Just perfect.

"Hey sweetheart… I don't… Uh, I have completely no idea what's wrong with you, so…" I bit my lip. Crap, this was not supposed to be this hard.

Maybe she had a fever? I was sure they had done a final check up on her before she left the hospital, but maybe they had missed a sign or something… I touched her forehead, but her temperature seemed pretty normal to me. Yet, checking would certainly do no harm. Just to be sure.

I rushed to my bedroom and straight to my bed side table, opening the first drawer and grabbing the thermometer I had inside and heading straight to her room again.

And shit.

No way that baby would stay still enough for me to just place it against her armpit, and no way I was ever putting that thing in her mouth, who knew what kinds of bacteria it could carry.

And everybody knows what the safest way for taking a baby's temperature is.

Oh, come on! We had literally just entered the apartment minutes ago, my first memory home with my baby was not going to be putting a thermometer inside her butt! I was being irrational, she was perfectly fine.

So why the hell was she crying?!

I left the thermometer on the short white table next to her crib and took a step back, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath. It wasn't the diaper, it wasn't a fever, she had just woken up from a long nap so she couldn't possibly be tired again…

Hungry, I decided. I had been wrong before, she was definitely hungry. April had been feeding her all day long but she could still be hungry, right?

I made my way to the kitchen, making a quick stop to grab the cooler with the bottles of fresh milk –which I had earlier helped her mother collect- from the floor where I had dropped it.

I tried to ignore Harriet's crying, and concentrate on the tasks I had to perform.

First, I had to sterilize the bottle.

…what bottle?

I mean, yeah, the milk was inside bottles, but they had no nipples on them. How was I supposed to feed that to the baby?

I gulped, my brain suddenly feeling like it had been pickled in brine, as panic rush through me, freezing my every limb.

I had a bottle to feed her with, right?

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no!

I run like crazy back to the hall and kneeled down in front of all the dropped bags. As I began pulling zippers and sticking my entire head through the openings in desperation, I became aware of the fact that my hands were actually shaking. Shaking. I was a freaking kick-ass surgeon. I had operated with a man pointing a gun at me, for fuck's shake! And there I was shaking like crazy because I couldn't find a freaking baby bottle. Uh, what was wrong with me?

I let go if the bags and fell on my back, lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling as my baby was screaming with all her might in the room right next to me.

And those were Harriet's first ten minutes home.

Oh, I was a horrible dad. A horribly, awfully hideous dad. And it wasn't like I hadn't known I was going to be this terrible at this. Deep down inside I had always known. That's why I could never keep a single fish alive more than a week, or why the sight of baby books terrified me to no end.

God, I just wanted to curl up in a ball and hide somewhere and never come out. How was I ever going to face April again? She spent all day long bouncing Harriet in her arms, breastfeeding and humming at her, keeping her completely calm, and I couldn't even keep her calm for ten freaking minutes.

Hold on a second…

I jumped up in the air and quickly returned to my search for a bottle. Maybe this was it. Bouncing, feeding and humming. Maybe April wasn't just being her natural parenting self. Maybe this was just Harriet's thing.

And then, out of nowhere, there it was. Not one, but four freaking bottles in front of my bare eyes.

Was I blind?

Well, who cares!

I threw my fist in the air. "Yes!" I shouted in victory, as I grabbed them and ran off to the kitchen again.

My movements today were similar to those of cartoon characters, I was certain I must have looked hilarious but who was there to watch me anyway?

"Coming baby girl!" I yelled behind my shoulder before I collected my thoughts once again.

Okay. Sterilizing.

I had the bottle… All I needed was the machine. But I had one of those. I knew I did. And I was pretty darn sure I had left it inside this… Yes! There it is!

I blew out a breath I hadn't even known I was holding at the sight of the sterilizer in front of me, and wasted no time to set it up. I poured some water inside and then removed the nipples and placed inside all four bottles facing down, and the nipples next to them. It also seemed like a good idea to add all her pacifiers, just in case they were needed. I finished, satisfied, and finally pressed the starting button. And my jaw fell.

Sterilizing…15 minutes

Drying…..….30 minutes

Well, fuck. I groaned. Stupid, stupid machines.

What was I supposed to do now?

Alright, nobody really needed the drying part, two drops of water would do her no harm. As for the sterilizing… well, I guess I still had fifteen minutes ahead of me.

God, how the hell did this baby manage to scream so loud for so long? A few more minutes and the neighbors would call the police on me, thinking I was murdering her.

And so I washed my hands and left the sterilizer alone do to its job. It's hard working under pressure. I went straight to the nursery, and found everything exactly like I had left it. I walked up to the crib, and picked the fussing baby up, resting her head on my shoulder, her tiny body against my chest. And I began bouncing her up and down.

No change.

Grrr!

The slight bouncing became more intense, and soon I was literally just jumping up and down around the room like a freaking kangaroo. And she was still screaming like I was slaughtering her!

The one and only difference was that her screams came out interrupted as Indian cries, something I would have found quit amusing had I not been so close to having a breakdown.

I soon stopped moving, in desperate need to catch my breath. I was too old for this. I winced. "Come on, sweetheart… "I whispered against her ear. "Calm down for daddy, please?"

Yeah right she would.

Okay. Bouncing didn't work. What else did I have up my sleeve?

Crap. Humming. Yeah… not such a good idea, unless I wanted her to become deaf. "Oh, poor baby girl. Your father is useless." I mumbled.

But what else could I do?

I sighed. Okay. I could do this. I just had to pick a song. Did I even know any baby songs? Wait, there was that one with the spider and the rain… uh… No, I couldn't really remember how it went.

Woo, how about that one with the… something like, 'if you're glad and you know it clap your hands'… or was it happy? Well, it didn't matter I was just gonna hum it anyways. But, uh… how did that go again?

Well, shit, I decided I'd just go for something I actually knew. It wasn't like she could tell the difference anyway. Something like… Prince? Yep, definitely Prince. Kiddo should learn what taste of music really meant. I might have been horrible at everything that had to do with reprobating the sounds that I heard, but I sure as hell knew what quality music was like.

I cleared my throat. Here it goes.

And so I began humming 'Nothing Compares 2 U', struggling to stay as close as possible to the original. It really didn't even sound like the same song but whatever. It didn't even matter, anyways, since not even I could hear my voice over the little beast's roars. She had not taken that one from me, that was all her mother.

Well, if humming didn't work, then I really had only one choice left… I braced myself for what was coming, pretty sure it would make things even worse -if that was even possible- but it was at least worth a try.

"It's been seven hours and thirteen days, since you took your love away…" I mumbled half singing the lyrics -if you can even call that singing. She didn't seem to even notice any difference from my regular voice –not that I could blame her- but I continued anyway. "I go out every night and sleep all day, since you took your love away… Pam! Pa-ra-ram, da-da-dam!" I mimicked the instrumental part, accompanying it with some non-rhythmic movements of my head. "Since you've been gone I can do whatever I want!" I continued, this time making my voice ridiculously high-pitched, in a failed attempt to sound like Rosie Gaines. "I can see whoever I choose. Pam, pa-ra-ram! Da-da-dam!"

I used one of my killer dance moves on that last one, and that was when the miracle happened. The little nugget slowed down on her crying and looked up at me in wonder, just merely whimpering. My heart skipped a beat. Sweet mother, she almost stopped! I wasted no time to continue. "Eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant. Oh yeah!" I squeaked. "But nothing-", I kissed her nose, "-NOTHING can take away these blues! Oh, OH!" I all but screamed, and held tight on her so that I could twirl us around, to which she responded with a smile.

A smile. She freaking smiled at me.

I blinked in surprise. It was probably a responsive smile, right? Newborns did those a lot. She was only two weeks old, after all. But trying again would do no harm to anybody right? Just to confirm my suspicions.

So I twirled us around once again.

And not only did she smile again, but she also made a sound that sounded really, really close to a coo.

That was when I knew for sure I had gone insane.

I mean, there was no way, no way in hell, that I had been the first person she had ever cooed at. No freaking, goddamn way.

…But I made another twirl, just to be sure.

And she did it again.

Holy crap. Holy crap! She cooed at me, she really cooed at me! Her first coo, her very first coo, and I had been the one to cause it! I wanted to run, to shout, to tell everyone what my daughter, my daughter had accomplished in just two weeks that other babies did in six. A tingly feeling washed over me, my entire body trembling with excitement. The smile on my face must had been so goofily enormous it surely looked ridiculous, but I didn't even care. My daughter had just cooed at me!

"Did you just coo at your daddy?" I asked her, my voice so full of emotion it almost broke. I was absolutely delirious. So delirious I actually squealed. "Goodness, you are the most precious human being to ever walk the earth!" Well… not literally walk but whatever. Oh, April would die to have seen this…

Wait. Crap.

April.

She was already upset enough for missing Harriet's first day home, how was I even going to tell her she'd also missed her first coo without her completely freaking out?

I grimaced. Oh, what was I going to do now? How I saw it, there were only two ways out of this.

One, I said nothing. It's not like there was a way for her to find out without me telling her, so I could pull through easily with that one. But then again, letting her believe that the Harriet's next coo in her presence was her first one didn't seem fair at all. I had never been one to lie. At least, not when it came to April. And just the thought of doing it made me feel like the biggest hypocrite of the planet.

And then there was the option of me just telling her, which could lead to just one possible outcome. She would completely freak out, and then she'd find a way to struggle me with her tiny hands and making it look like an accident.

And yet somehow I decided to go with option number two.

Damn. I'm screwed.

Well, at least I could try to gather some actual footage. I mean, that would calm her a bit… right?

"Okay, pumpkin, we really need to film this for your mom, otherwise I'm a dead man." I told Harriet, and pulled my phone out of my pocket, opening the camera and wasting to time to press the record button. "Okay, here we go." I said and while holding the camera straight in front of us so that it was pointing towards Harriet, I held my breath and twirled us around.

Her tiny lips twisted in a smile so bright it could as well have blinded me, and I wouldn't even mind. On her full cheeks appeared to perfect little dimples, just like her mother's, and her eyes shined like stars in the night sky. And then, she opened her little mouth and while staring directly in my eyes, she let out a little voice that sounded like "Aaaah."

My heart felt like it was about to burst. Happiness was flowing in my veins, waking up every cell in its path. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt so alive, so full of love for one single person.

Yes you can.

Shut up. We're talking about my daughter here.

And so I let the joy sink to my bones, and soon I was twirling us again, chuckling and dancing and singing like a dying cat in the back of a school bus off a cliff, inside of our little bubble of unexpected happiness. And you can probably guess how genuinely surprised I was to realize that the beeping sound I eventually heard from the kitchen actually came from the sterilizer. Something that apparently meant a whole forty-five minutes had passed without me even realizing it. A smile of triumph formed on my face.

I had to continue her milk in the kitchen but there was no way I was putting the little nugget down again anytime soon. So I held her in my left arm and walked us both to the room next doors, until we were standing in front of the counter. I turned the sterilizer off and pulled one of the bottles out.

Okay. Sterilized bottle –check. Now to the milk.

I unzipped the cooler and took out one bottle. It was obviously quite cold, so I figured I should warm it up. But I couldn't put it in the microwave since that would create hot spots on the milk and damage its nutrients, so I had to warm some water and place it inside for a few minutes.

I frowned. "How on earth do I know this?" I mumbled at Harriet, who was now staring at the top button of my shirt wide eyed.

Well, yes, I wore a shirt. It shouldn't come as such a shock, it was my daughter's first day home. Special occasion, you know?

Pulled a mug out of the cabinet over my head, filled it with water and then put it in the microwave for a minute before taking it out again and placing the bottle with the milk inside of it. In the meantime, Harriet had built up enough courage to lift her chubby hand and touch the big bad button, her eyes as wide as possible. I failed to understand what was so fascinating about it but whatever. As long as she wasn't crying...

I waited a while for the milk to get warm, and then I finally purred it inside the sterilized bottle, and placed a nipple on top. At last, it was ready. Almost an hour of preparation for a single bottle of milk. Sigh.

With the bottle in my hand, I took us back to the nursery. It was already getting late, and I thought I might as well try to put her to sleep, so I flipped the switch to turn the lights off. She didn't seem to mind much, still utterly mesmerized by the button. I sat us down on the rocking chair before I twisted her in my arms, so that she was lying on her back and then lifted the bottle, bringing the nipple to her mouth. She wasted no time to place her rosy lips around it and begin drinking.

I smirked at her. Well, that was easy. It was her very first time drinking from a bottle, and she was already killing it. Not that I had a doubt, of course. She was my daughter after all. And April's… but mostly mine …and April's. Okay, whatever. You get it.

And so she drank and drank and drank to the point I thought she might burst, but I didn't dare remove the bottle from her mouth. And the entire time her little fingers were on that single button of mine, touching it, twisting it and pulling on it. Me, on the other hand… I found myself mesmerized by the way her thin lips curled over the nipple, her mouth o-shaped, her jaw making rhythmic up and down movements as her chubby cheeks filled with milk. Her big dark eyes were glued at the button, her eyebrows twisted in almost a frown like she was concentrating. It was the second I realized the last part that I felt my heart skip a beat, the air in my lungs escaping my mouth in a soft gasp, as the corners of my lips twisted upwards in recognition.

All this time I had been repeatedly hearing about it, from my mom to even Stephanie. I mean, obviously when somebody concentrates they can't be smiling like an idiot, their expression is somewhat serious. But the whole 'angry face' thing was something I had always refused to accept. It just seemed lame of me to be unable to control my expression when focusing on something, and not even April admitting she found it sexy had been enough to make me believe it was actually a thing.

But there it was now, a huge, clear, 'angry face' on my daughter's face that had me staring at her in awe. Because since the moment she was born –even though my mom and April had been thinking otherwise- all I could see on Harriet was April. Her skin tone was closer to hers, her eyes were shaped the same, her dimples, her smile, even her temper. But this one was mine. She had my angry face, the one whose existence I had refused to even acknowledge until mere moments ago, but there it was right in front of my bare eyes.

Oh, how many more surprises could this little nugget be holding for me today?

A foul smell covered the air right then and I mentally cursed myself for asking. I winced, and so did she -but for a somewhat different reason. With her tongue she pushed the bottle away and I set it aside on the end table, as she cringed further and then burst out into small cries. Oh, well… At least I knew what to do this time around, right?

I stood up and set her down on the changing table, and reached for the diapers that were on the second drawer of the dresser behind me.

Uh… no, there were the towels. Okay, third drawer. And you can't blame me for not knowing because I had bought those things before she was even born, and I couldn't even remember where I left my keys when we came in before.

Anyways, detail is not needed here. All you should know is that when I opened her diaper I was greeted with a pile of mustard, which took me what seemed like forever to wipe clean. And once I finally managed to put her in a new diaper –after minutes of struggling, something nobody will ever know about- I dressed her in the little yellow onesie with the frogs on it. Or the 'going home from the hospital' onesie, as April had called it when she was crying her eyes out earlier this afternoon.

Once I finished, I picked her up and held her against my shoulder for her to burp, since I had completely forgotten about that part earlier. Again, blame isn't on me. The smell had conjured my mind and soul.

And while holding her like that, after she stopped crying, I decided it would be a good time to call April and fill her in, fighting the thought that I would also have to tell her about the smiling… and the cooing… and the bottle feeding… and how good she looked in that little onesie… and Crap, I'm screwed, my mind kept yelling but I would have to do this sooner or later so I might as well get done with it.

So I braced myself for the worse and walked over to the dresser on which I had left my cellphone. As soon as I dialed her number she immediately answered, like she had been holding her cell and simply staring at it from the moment we walked out of the door. Which was probably the case, really. It's April we're talking about here.

She cleared her throat. "Hey."

"Hey." I said back. "How are you?" All I hoped was that she wasn't still as upset as she had been when I left her.

She huffed. "I'm great. Never better."

Sarcasm. Crap, she was worse. "Don't tell me you're still-"

"Can you just stop talking about me and tell me how she is please?" she cut me off.

I sighed. "She's fine. I just fed her and changed her…" I gulped. "And…" Deep breath. "She…" Say it. Just spit it out. "… is about to fall asleep." I randomly spit out.

Ugh, you chicken!

Shut up, she's upset enough already, it will only make things worse.

"Okay…?" she trailed off. "Why are you speaking with pauses?"

"No reason." I said and even though she couldn't see me I shrugged, which resulted in my shoulder hitting against Harriet's jaw, something that, of course, made her start fussing. Great.

"Jackson!" April's panicked voice pierced my ear. "She's crying, why is she crying?!"

I rolled my eyes. "That's what babies do, April. Can you just relax a bit, please?" Well, they usually have a reason for doing it but no need to mention that part. I kissed Harriet's cheek and started bouncing her, and she quieted down again. Damn, I was getting good at this!

April huffed again. "No, Jackson, I cannot relax. My baby went home and I am still here, missing her first day out of the hospital, I'm sorry if I can't freaking relax!" She cried, her voice breaking.

I frowned. "You're still crying?" I asked in disbelief. I mean, it shouldn't come out as such a surprise, but still…She had a whole life of experiences ahead of her, was a single day really this important?

"Of course I'm still crying!" she replied with a sob.

Yes. To April, of course it was. And to be honest, so it was to me. My daughters very first day home. My latest precious fantasy which had, eventually, turned out to be so much more than I had first imagined. And April sure had been looking forward to this from the moment that stick turned blue, but she was now missing it. It was really hell of important, and I couldn't do anything to fix it.

"April… Come on, okay? I'm gonna bring her by every single day at the hospital, we already talked about it." Not that this was nearly enough, but what else could I say? After all, with April, reassurance had always been the key. Now for the part after the hospital… "As soon as you get home we'll fly your mom back out, get her to stay out here for a couple of months."

"My mom already came for as long as she could, okay? I can't ask her to come back out. She's… She's got work." She replied, her voice breaking again.

I couldn't believe my ears. Was Karen for real? Since when does one's duty as a mom end with coming over her daughter's house for a couple of days to help her set up the nursery every time she tells them she's pregnant? Her daughter was in the hospital recovering from an incident which had almost killed her, and Karen hadn't come to visit once. Not one freaking time! And now that her daughter was going to need someone to help her recover and take care of her own grandchild, she didn't even think to offer her a hand? What kind of work was more important than caring for your child when she needs you?

I shook my head. "Well, get a baby nurse who can stay and live with you, then." I suggested. It wasn't a bad idea, really, and this was basically the only way I would feel completely relaxed leaving the two of them alone. April still had a hard time holding Harriet sometimes, and with her incision having opened back up, Karen wouldn't know how to properly care for her anyways. Who needed her?

"I can't afford that." April protested.

Did she seriously think that I would let her pay for a nurse to take care of her and my baby all by herself while I was buying a new plasma TV for my living room?

…I could pay for both.

"I'm loaded, I can."

"Well, I'm not." She insisted. "And we're not married!"

As if I could possibly forget that.

I mean, you don't just forget getting a divorce, right? Not that I couldn't forget it for some other reason, cause, you know, that wasn't the case. "Yes, I know." I said while sitting back down.

"You can't fix this, okay? I have to figure this out. I am a single mom."

Did they put anything in that disgusting piece of vomit they call jello that they fed her tonight? Because otherwise, where could all these nonsense be coming from? A single mom? What the hell was I, a nanny?

Wait, not that she wasn't single, that's not what I was saying. She was -she'd better be- but she was not a single mom. There was two of us. "April, I'm her father. I'm right here."

"As long as Harriet is fed and sleeping and happy, you're doing your job. You don't need to, like, check in on me, okay? Or call unless Harriet needs me, okay?"

She could not be serious. Did she think she was being funny or… Damn it, she couldn't really believe that Harriet's needs were all I was concerned about, right? Okay, yeah, I almost took her to court a mere months ago, but lots of things had happened since then, and we had talked and talked and talked and… I thought she had understood by now that she… that… that I…

Well, I cared for her, you know? How could I not? She was the mother of my child and she used to be my very best friend. My favorite person in the whole world. And even though things had happened and we had parted ways, that sure as hell didn't mean I had stopped… caring for her. She had to know this right? "So I'm just supposed to let you cry, then." I said sarcastically.

"Yes!" She yelled back and sobbed. "Goodnight, Jackson!" she added then, and before I could even manage to open my mouth and ask her to please stop being ridiculous, the line went dead.

She freaking hang up on me!

I shook my head in disbelief and just as I took the phone off my ear and placed it on the table next to me, little miss Harriet made the most unfeminine sound I had ever heard her make and spit up all over my shirt.

Well, this was going terrific.

Sighing for what seemed like the millionth time today, I stood up again and laid her in her crib before I unbuttoned my shirt and shrugged it off my shoulders. I made a quick trip to my bedroom to throw my gray jacket over my t-shirt, and as I was passing across the bathroom on my way back to the nursery I shot the dirty shirt into the laundry basket with a perfectly performed Fadeaway. Because I'm that good.

When I entered the nursery once again, Harriet was staring at the little pink fox I had got for her. Not that I could really use the word 'little' with the nugget next to it in comparison.

Now let's see whether this little nugget would actually take some sleep, in order to make her daddy's fantasy to watch the Celtics come true. Big game tonight, shall I repeat.

"Hey, sweetheart…" I mumbled softly while picking her up again, and reached to turn the baby mobile on before sitting us down on the rocking chair once more. The lights were down, the music was up, the atmosphere was ready. And so I just kept rocking us back and forth, humming along with the relaxing tune.

A long while passed with us in that position, until she finally drifted off to sleep, a bit less than an hour later. Tired from the long day, I slowly got up and –as gently as I possibly could- I placed her down in her crib and tucked her in. Breathing a sigh of relief when she didn't wake, I tiptoed out of the room and closed the door behind me.

And then loud cries filled the entire house. Again.

So much for fulfilling daddy's fantasies.

With yet another sigh, I re-entered the nursery, re-picked her up and re-sat us down on the rocking chair.

But this time she just wouldn't stop crying. And I tried everything –literally everything in my power- to make her fall asleep again but it was all to no use. So four more hours passed. Yes, four hours of my trying to calm her down, and once she would stop crying she would simply start up again, for no freaking reason! It was the middle of the night now and I had long passed the state of being exhausted.

And so I gave up and grabbed my phone to seek for help. It was really late, though, so in fear I would wake April up –as if I didn't know there was no way she would manage to sleep tonight- I decided to go for a text.

J: You awake?

And just as I knew would happen, the answer came almost immediately.

A: Yes. Is something wrong with Harriet?

Oh, so we were still playing the all the two of us can talk about is Harriet card? Fine. As you wish.

J: Yes, actually. She woke up and I can't put her back to sleep.

A: Did you try just talking to her? It usually works.

J: I tried everything.

Including singing. Twice in one day. We were both lucky she wasn't deaf by now.

I got a call then, but I soon realized it was not my ringtone I was hearing. April was video calling me via Skype. I quickly glanced around the room in search for any signs of untidiness and chaos, and surprised to find none I pressed the green button. April appeared on the screen, biting down on her lower lip. Her eyes were red, puffy, her nose red at the tip, her cheeks flushed.

Yep, she had definitely been crying non-stop from when we had ended that previous call.

She. She had ended that previous call. "Hey. Again."

The corners of her lips twisted slightly upwards. "Hey."

I knew she was going to immediately start tutoring me around about how to make Harriet sleep again, and I wanted to catch her before that. "You hang up on me."

She let go of her lower lip to groan. "Jackson-"

"Wait." I cut her off. "I just wanted to tell you that I get it. Okay? I get that it's hard to miss out on her."

She shook her head. "It's not just that it's hard, and we're not going to talk about-"

"Will you please let me finish?" I asked. She sighed, and I recognized it as her famous surrender sigh, so I took it as a cue to continue.

"We never got to do this with Samuel." I said, and watched as her entire body shifted at the mention of our son's name. Her breathing increased in an instant, and so did mine, but I kept talking anyway. "We never got to feed him, we never got to dress him, we never got to change his diaper and put him to sleep. We never got to take him home." I added and my voice broke. Pain seeped out my every word, and it hurt to speak them. It hurt to hear them. But some things needed to be said, and we both knew we were avoiding them.

April bit on her lower lip again, and her eyes turned glossy with fresh tears.

"I understand that it must seem insufferable to miss those moments with our daughter too. I get it." I exclaimed, and then turned the camera to point directly at Harriet. "But Harriet is fine. Harriet is perfect. She's strong and healthy and fat and perfect. Both she and you almost died this month, but you are okay now. And you will get out of the hospital soon, just like she did today. And you will get to feed her and dress her and change her diaper and read her bedtime stories and so, so much more, because you are both fine." I refused to look away, even as my lips trembled and my shoulders heaved with emotion, unwilling to back down. I cleared my throat. "Point is, you have to stop acting like this is the end of the world, okay? We've met the end. Both of us. We know what it's like, and this is not it. It's bad, but we've known worse. We've known the worst. And we will get through this too. You will get out of there. You will come home. You and Harriet will be together. What matters is that she's healthy and you're healthy, and if I have to make you repeat it a thousand times for you to believe it, hell knows I will." I bit my tongue, trying to hold back the tears that threatened to leave my eyes. "I'm here. I'm here for you, and I'm here for her, and I always will be, and I don't ever want to hear you say you have to do this on your own again, okay? We might not be married, but we are…" I gulped. "We're me and you. And we'll keep standing, just like we always have. I'll make sure of it."

I could no longer see clearly, but I still watched in silence as a single tear slid down from April's warm, honey eyes, followed by another one, and another one, until soon, a steady stream of salty tears flowed its way down her pale cheek, releasing the sadness and sorrow that had been held inside of her for all this time but still she did not make a sound.

And we just sat there in silence, staring at each others' face through the screen, and for the first time in months, I felt the strong, indisputable urge to hold her in my arms. To hug her and embrace her, to comfort her and try to soothe her pain. I wanted – no, needed- to feel her warm body against mine, to wrap my arms around her and shield her. Protect her from the pain.

But she wasn't here. And I wasn't there. And even if we were in the same room, hugging would have been a horrible mistake and I knew it pretty damn well. I was barely able to control my arms around her now, imagine the chaos that springing them free would bring. Maybe it was for the best to be away. After all, a hug might as well lead her to misapprehend some things.

Or rather, apprehend them.

Shut up.

I took a deep breath, just as April used the inside of her sleeve to wipe away the tears from her burning cheeks.

And that's when Harriet cooed.

April gasped, her eyes widening. "What was that?"

I gave her a sad smile. "That, sweetheart, was a perfect little coo." I informed her, looking down at Harriet. "Our little nugget has been mastering it all evening, eager to show it to her mommy."

April sniffed, a huge smile forming on her face. "Really?" she asked with a little voice.

I nodded. "Really. The button of my shirt seemed to fascinate her for some reason too."

"You do look nice in shirts." I thought I heard April mumble, and I looked up at the screen, unsure if she had actually said it or not. She seemed to only have eyes for Harriet though, so I pushed it no further.

"And she also smiled quite a lot." I admitted, since she seemed to take everything else so well. "I filmed her. It was all because of my killer dance moves and singing voice, so you can thank me all you wish later when I send it to you."

She chuckled softly. "You sang at her?"

"Yes."

"Is she deaf?"

I rolled my eyes. "No."

"Good." She said with a nod, and then another chuckle escaped her mouth. "No wonder the poor kid couldn't sleep. You must have ruined her sense of… of everything!"

"Well, I don't see you doing any better." I noted.

She glared at me and I smiled a smile of innocence. She sighed. "Did you try bouncing her?"

I blinked. Did she think I was that dumb? "I am bouncing her."

"…Right. And you've tried rocking her in the rocking chair and everything?"

"I am rocking her, April."

"Oh." She frowned. "And none of that worked?"

"Yeah, she just won't go back to sleep." I said.

"Well, let… let me try." She mattered.

Nobody's keeping you.

Harriet made one pretty adorable sound right then and I smiled down at her, while lifting the phone higher up for April.

"Can she… can she hear me? Is the sound okay?"

Well, I could obviously hear her, so why on earth couldn't Harriet?

Seriously, my singing was not that bad to completely ruin her hearing.

…Was it? "Yeah, yeah, she can hear you." I mumbled, staring at the baby's ears. I mean, yeah, she was a newborn, but their ear drums couldn't be that sensitive, right?

"Well, I guess it'd be nice if I could touch your body, I know not everybody has got a body like you."

My head shot up towards the screen, my eyes blinking.

Had anyone told me I would hear such words from April's mouth tonight I would have sent them straight to the psychiatric clinic down in Roosevelt Way.

Okay, she was obviously singing, but still. Those were not appropriate lyrics to be singing to a baby. And no, people, don't look at me like that. Rosie Gaines' 'I can see whoever I choose' could actually mean just that. You never know.

"But I've got to think twice before I give my heart away. And I know all the games you play, 'cause I play them too." She continued, and I tried my best to bounce Harriet along with the song. It really was a weird choice of April's to sing this one in particular, but I had to admit that I was quite fond of the melody so far. Or it could just be the fact that April was the one singing it. I had always loved hearing her sing.

"Oh, but I need some time off from that emotion. Time to pick my heart up off the floor…

And when that love comes down without devotion… Well it takes a strong man baby, but I'm showing you the door."

Her voice came out smooth and clear, quiet yet powerful. Soothing, in a way. And beautiful. Above all, beautiful.

"'Cause I gotta have faith. I gotta have faith... I gotta have faith, faith, faith... Baby…

I know you're asking me to stay, say please, please, please, don't go away, you say I'm giving you the blues.

Maybe you mean every word you say, can't help but think of yesterday and another who tied me down to lover boy rules."

Swells of power rose up in her throat, and I could not but stay put and watch in awe. It wasn't just her enchanting voice that had me completely mesmerized. This song… It was like the promise of tomorrow. And she was singing it with such passion, filling those full of meaning sentences with so much hope and optimism it was too powerful to hear. It felt too personal. Too real. And I felt my heart fasten its beat inside my chest, sending waves of long-forgotten warmth at every cell of my body.

"Before this river becomes an ocean, before you throw my heart back on the floor…

Oh baby I reconsider my foolish notion. Well I need someone to hold me, but I'll wait for something more.

I gotta have faith… I gotta have faith... I gotta have faith...

I gotta have faith…"

Her hand went to her heart and her head rose as she belted out the final notes.

And as the silence covered the room, I took plenty of time to pull myself back together and snap out of whatever it was that had come over me, when I suddenly realized that it was, in fact, really quiet. Too quiet. I stared down at my arms and, what do you know! There was the little nugget, all asleep in my arms. I huffed in disbelief and looked up at my phone, where April sat wearing a proud grin on her face.

"Wait." I mouthed at her and set the cellphone down on the end table, slowly getting up and walking over to the crib, and really, really gently setting Harriet down. I tucked her in once again, and then crept towards the door, grabbing the phone and throwing it inside my pocket on my way out, and finally closing the door shut behind me.

I stayed completely still for a moment, totally expecting her to start crying again, but to my surprise nothing could be heard. And with a satisfied smile I walked over to my bedroom, and closed this other door behind me too.

Finally, I was gonna get some sleep.

"Jackson? You there?" a soft whisper came from inside my jacket, and with a smirk playing on my lips I pulled the phone out.

"She's dead asleep." Ι mattered. "I think I could use you services more often. In order for me to actually get some sleep too."

She smiled. "That's fine with me."

I smiled back. "Good."

My eyes trailed over to my bed. My large, comfy double bed, with the soft fluffy pillows and that cozy long blanket…

"Uh, April, I really should go get some sleep, so… I'll talk to you tomorrow?"

"Wait!" she shouted, and my eyes shot back towards the screen, as I looked at her in confusion.

She licked her lips. "I… I can't sleep."

I frowned. "You can't sleep?"

She groaned. "I just can't. It's too… not-homey"

Not-homey. Gotta love those new words she always comes up with.

"You've been sleeping in that place for two weeks now." I noted.

"Well, yeah, but Harriet was in the building too and…"

I sighed. Well, she did have a point but I really, really had to sleep right now…

"How about you go to sleep, and just… not hang up?"

I snorted. "You want to watch me sleep?" Pervert.

"I just… want to feel close to… someone…" she mumbled softly.

Her words had my entire body frozen to the spot, as I felt all the blood draining from my face. Close to… me? Was this what she was telling me? She wanted to be close to me? I gulped.

"Forget it." She mattered. "Goodnight."

"Wait." I exclaimed, and she froze, closing her eyes firmly like I had just caught her in the middle of a mischief. When she slowly opened them again, I made sure that what she found was a reassuring smile from my part. "Let me just put my PJs on." I said, earning another lip bite, only this time its purpose was to hide a spreading grin. Now this was the lip bite that I loved.

I left my cellphone on the side table, grabbed my pyjamas from inside the dresser and all but sprinted to the bathroom. I tried really hard to not overthink about what I was about to do. I mean, I was simply gonna talk to her like I do all the time, just lying down. No big deal.

I quickly brushed my teeth and changed, and soon I was laying on my bed, covering myself with my cozy, fluffy blanket.

Ahh.

I turned on the side facing the empty side of the bed, and reached for the phone, placing it against the pillow in front of me so that we could see each other. Eventually. Cause, frankly, all I could see right now was April's wide open mouth, as she was yawning so hard one would think her cheeks would tear. "Okay, your turn."

She closed her mouth. "Huh?"

"Your turn to lie down. The point of this was for you to sleep. You can't do that if you're sitting up."

She rolled her eyes but laid down anyways. She then grabbed a throw pillow and hugged it firmly. I smiled, remembering how she had always had a thing about cuddling while sleeping, and then my smile quickly faded away as soon as it had appeared. She was cuddling pillows, cause she had no one else to cuddle. Sigh.

"So… what time will you come over tomorrow?" she asked after a while.

"Well, my shift starts at around eight so…" I said, but regretted my words as soon as I saw her expression clouding. Apparently, to April, eight o'clock was too late. "…uh… about six?" I spitted out.

Her face immediately brightened. "Great."

How could it be so easy to satisfy this woman?

April let a few extra moments of silence pass before she spoke again. "Did you watch the Celtics?"

I raised one eyebrow. How did she even know there was a game on tonight? "No."

"I did."

I choked on my saliva. "Since when do you watch basketball?"

She groaned. "Since I've been all alone in this stupid room with only company the freaking TV!"

…Since this afternoon.

"Okay…" I trailed off. Since I hadn't gotten a chance to actually watch the game like I wanted, I thought there would be no harm in asking for some information. "So what happened?"

"Celtics won. 120-99" she said apathetically.

Ha! "Yes!" I knew we'd kick their asses.

"At the middle of the 3rd quarter the black ones-"

"-The Nets."

She made a gesture as if shoving me away. "Whatever their name is. They almost tied the score but that guy with the ribbon on his head-"

I chuckled. "-Thomas."

She glared at me. "-him!" Ooh, she was mad! I grinned. "He made a three-pointer at the end of the quarter and no55-"

"-Mickey."

She groaned and violently shook her iPad. "Will you stop correcting me?"

I chuckled. "Sorry." I was enjoying this too much for my own good.

She cleared her throat. "The mouse dunked on top of a player of the opposite team. And then that Jackson guy threw the ball in the air and another guy caught it and dunked it." I grinned widely at that. It seemed like the only player whose name she had memorized was the one whose name I shared. Hmm... "And that other guy made a three-pointer almost from half-court…"

And so she kept talking and talking, rambling about the game like she found it fascinating –something I knew for sure wasn't the case at all- and I just laid there, mesmerized by her ability to memorize and explain every single moment without knowing the players or even the terms. And the fact that I knew she wasn't at all interested in the game but was telling me everything about it anyways, made my heart dance around my chest, a tingly feeling at my stomach. Choosing to ignore those, I kept listening to her silvery voice until it started seeming distant, until my eyes begun losing their focus and my eyelids grew heavy. And as I was drifting off to sweet unconsciousness, I thought I heard her whisper something at me softly, but her words twisted together in a tender jumble whose sweet nature I failed to understand.

I made a promise to myself right then, to never fantasize again.

Why if this was reality, what did I need fantasies for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Long one, I know :P
> 
> And... the moving is next chapter! I'm so excited to write about this!
> 
> ~Please review ;)


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